


Cards Against Humanity's Last Hope

by SinfulAvenue



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Arguing, Cards Against Humanity, Dirty Jokes, Drunk Eren Yeager, Drunk Levi, Eren Yeager Being an Idiot, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluffy Ending, Humor, Jean Has a Potty Mouth, Jean Is A Little Shit, Jean should keep his big mouth shut, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Being An Asshole, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Being Levi, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) and Cleaning, Other, Parody, Sexual Humor, don't mess with Mikasa, embarrassed Levi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-06-09 12:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6907894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinfulAvenue/pseuds/SinfulAvenue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Levi anxiously glared at his hand, five pairs of expectant eyes gleamed as they waited on him to read out what was written on the black card. What a horrible idea this was, a tasteless game for vulgar people. Finally he found the composure to read out the degrading question. "How did I lose my virginity?" he said without flinching. Five mouths dropped open!"</p><p>Summary: Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Levi and Hanji get stranded at the HQ castle during a storm and decide to play cards against humanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has probably been done before but I'm doing it anyway.
> 
> Very different to the kind of the kind of thing I'd normally write...much more cheerful:)
> 
> If you're not familiar with the rules of cards against humanity, Hanji explains it in the story. If you've never played this hilarious game before then SHAME ON YOU! :D
> 
> Most of the cards in this story are based on real cards against humanity but there are a few I made up such as a card that says "Titans" on it just to make the game a little more relevant to the setting. This will probably be between 2-4 chapters long.
> 
> Cards Against humanity is an offensive game so read with caution, foul language and more

 Ok so explain the rules to me one more time" said Jean with a bemused grin. Hanji had gathered everyone in the kitchen insisting they take part in the dusty old card game Eren had found in the cellar. Levi hovered in the doorway uncertainly, clutching a teacup. A look of mistrust washed across his face as he glared at the little black box of cards on the table, like it was rigged with explosives.

"It's simple really" said Hanji "We each take turns to be the Card Czar. The Card Czar takes a black card and reads out the question. The rest of the players have ten white cards with answers on them. Everyone gives the Card Czar one of their white cards. The Card Czar picks the funniest one and that person wins the point for that round".

"Sounds simple enough" said Mikasa. Armin looked worried.

The rain mercilessly lashed the window panes. Eren was relieved he'd stumbled across the game, finally something to distract the group from the crippling boredom and insanity that was quickly ensuing. Every now and then a flash of lightning lit up the room. The storm showed no signs of stopping. Eren had seen some impressive storms in his life but this one beat them all hands down. It had lasted days or so it seemed. He'd lost track of time since arriving here. Each day trapped in this castle had flowed tediously into the next.

A gust of wind rattled the window frames. Every creak made him nervous, he feared the dusty old headquarters castle wouldn't be strong enough to withstand the terrible weather. Levi cautiously approached the table and picked a random white card out of the box, holding it by the corner like it was covered in filth.

"I warn you this game is not for the faint of heart" snickered Hanji.

The clean freak's eyes widened as he scanned the card.

 **Wearing underpants inside out to avoid doing laundry** it read

" _Tch_ that's disgusting" he said indignantly tossing the card aside.

"Ahh but the whole point of the game is to be disgusting, you have to think sick and depraved to win, forget political correctness, actually just forget about morality in general, unleash your evil, filthy,wanton minds!"Hanji had that wild look in her eye, the same look she had when she wanted to capture a live titan.

Eren flicked through some of the white cards and laughed at how naughty they were "I don't know about you guys but I'm in" he said "Maybe it'll lighten the mood a bit" he looked around the room, several of his comrades had plasters on their faces and arms, Jean had a black eye. Order was quickly breaking down among them. Fists had been raised.

Until he'd spent the last few days cooped up with the same five people, Eren hadn't realised how annoying their personal habits could be. Sometimes his comrades angered him so much he felt he could turn into a titan on the spot. Already today he'd snapped at Armin for breathing too loudly, Mikasa for asking him (for the 100th time) if he was feeling ok and Jean because...well just because his face was annoying.

His patience with his superiors was waning too, if Levi made him wipe down the already spotless window sills _one more time_ or Hanji asked him any more prying questions about his ability to transform he was certain he'd jump out the window screaming. Everybody in this castle was slowly but surely driving him insane and with a storm raging outside there was no escaping them.

"I'm in" said Jean "This is going to be a laugh"

"Ok me too" said Mikasa. Already she had a competitive look in her eye. She wanted to win.

Hanji squealed with excitement but Armin stared at the box uncertainly.

"This is just going to end in another argument" he fretted. The young blonde was apprehensive. Would he ever be the same again after playing this sinful game?

* * *

**_1 hour earlier_ **

Eren finished sweeping the upstairs hallway for the second time. Levi had impossibly high standards and would probably make him do it a third time. He hadn't seen Armin, Mikasa or Jean for a few hours. He didn't care though as he'd fallen out with all of them. He rubbed his shoulder where Jean had punched him earlier, at least he'd managed to hit him back before Levi stormed in to break up the fight.

The teen flinched at the sound of raised voices at the other end of the corridor. He wasn't the only one at loggerheads with his fellow soldiers. Levi and Hanji had fought like an old married couple from the moment they'd arrived at headquarters. He listened as another of their arguments erupted.

"Your ratty hair has clogged the shower drain again shitty glasses!"

"Well at least I'm not the one who keeps using up all the hot water, I mean how many showers do you really need Levi? It's been scientifically proven that showering too often is bad for you, it strips the skin of natural oils and-"

There was a crash as Levi threw something at her. Eren held the broom in his hand ready to spring into action and pretend to be sweeping if Levi came around the corner.

"Don't lecture me with science just go unclog it!" Levi demanded "I'm too tired for this shit, you kept me awake all night with your snoring"

"I don't snore!"

"Yes you do, so loudly I can hear it through these thick stone walls"

"Hmm well snoring is a perfectly natural bodily function so deal with it!"

Eren hoped Erwin would return from Wall Sina soon and put a stop to all this madness.

 _Another day of this and we're bound to end up killing one another_ he thought. A pointless death over _yet another_ argument over who's turn it was to empty the bucket/toilet wasn't what he'd pictured for himself. Hastily he rushed down the stairs to the cellar to hide. He couldn't' face more cleaning. It was so dark, damp and dirty down in the cellar. He gasped as a clap of thunder tore through the sky making the shelves shake and the candles in the lanterns flicker.

Then he heard an even more terrifying sound, footsteps, small ones. It was Levi, he was coming down into the cellar.

"Brat! You better not be hiding from me!"

Not even the colossal titan scared Eren as much as Captain Levi on a rampage did. He shrunk away behind a pile of boxes.

"You're not getting out of your duties this time!"

Eren could tell by Levi's tone that he'd finally lost his mind, all these days cooped up surrounded by utter slobbery had tipped him over the edge. He'd cracked.

"Where are you, you little shit!" yelled Levi kicking over a stack of boxes. Eren retreated further into the corner using the darkness and poor visibility to his advantage. Eren wondered if he waited till Levi walked past if he could make a dash for the stairs.

 _Then I'll bolt the door, lock him down here and we can live our lazy slob lives in peace!_ he thought

"Are we playing hide and seek?" Hanji shouted from the top of the stairs.

"Shut up! Just help me find that shitty lazy brat!"

"So we _are_ playing hide and seek then?"

"No!"

Eren shimmied backwards, not even breathing for fear of being discovered.

"You're so boring Levi! Can we play some kind of game? I'm so bored I could scream!" whined Hanji "How about truth or dare?"

"No, have you forgotten how that ended last time!"

Eren accidently bumped a shelf, alerting his superiors to his location, both their heads whipped around just in time to see the entire shelf collapse on his head.

"Ouch!"

"You shitty clumsy brat! As if it wasn't messy enough down here!" yelled Levi as piles of books and clutter buried the youth.

"Eren that must have been painful, do you feel the urge to turn into a titan? Oh please say yes! You must tell me, _please, please, please_ say yes!"

"Yeah I'm not hurt, thank you for asking guys" said Eren irritably as he emerged from the debris. He rubbed his head where a small but heavy black box had struck him. Curiously he picked it up. Hanji's jaw suddenly dropped.

"Is that what I think it is?" she began trembling with excitement "Ahhh if it is we're saved from this hellish boredom. O _h please, please please_ let it be what I think it is!"

Eren swiped away a layer of dust revealing the white writing beneath.

**Cards Against Humanity: A Party Game for Horrible People**

* * *

"I still don't get it" said Jean "How do we win points?"

"Maybe it's best if we just play a round and I'll show you " said Hanji picking up a black card "I'll be the Card Czar everyone take ten white cards"

Levi reluctantly pulled up a chair "I can't believe you convinced me to take part in this juvenile nonsense" he said with a pinched expression.

"I'll read out a sentence and you guys give me a white card to fill in the blank …ok the question is…" Hanji adjusted her glasses so she could read the card

**"During sex I like to think about -"**

"Stop! I don't want to know" said Levi dropping all his cards on the table. Everyone howled with laughter.

"No Levi, that's the question, you have to fill in the blank " sighed Hanji growing impatient with the short man's prudishness.

Eren was quick to throw a white card in Hanji's direction. One by one the others passed over their cards. Eventually after taking a long time to pick, Levi raised his eyebrows at one of the cards in his hand before reluctantly passing it over with a roll of his eyes.

Hanji shrieked elatedly "Ok here goes" she shuffled the white cards so there was no bias before choosing one "During sex I like to think about….Titans"

"Doesn't surprise me" Levi muttered to Eren who was beside him. The boy sniggered.

"What was that Levi?" said Hanji

"Nothing" he said taking a sip of tea to hide the fact that he was almost smirking.

"Ok next is…During sex I like to think about...Laying an egg"

Eren burst out laughing, clearly that was his card. Hanji proceeded to read out the next three cards which were "Being a motherfucking sorcerer","Pulling out" and "My inner demons **"**

"Ok I've made my decision" said Hanji after giving it some thought "The winner is "Laying an egg" "

Eren cheered at his small victory.

"Hold on a second" complained Levi "I completely disagree with your choice, titans was a much funnier answer!"

"Ah but Levi, this game is very subjective…only the Card Czar can judge which is the funniest " her mouth curved up into a grin "Besides I knew that was your card and I don't want you to win"

"Tch"

"Ok so who's in then?"

Everyone piped up in excitement, eager to play but Levi sat with folded arms.

"Fine!" he scoffed "but personally I think this game is very bad taste "

"Ok let's begin" said Hanji ignoring Levi's complaining "That was just a practice round, let's play a real round, the rules are the last person who took a shit starts off as the Card Czar"

Levi almost spat out his tea

"You're kidding right?" said Jean grabbing the piece of paper with the rules. To his shock she was correct "She's not lying guys, it's printed right here"

"Well I took a dump about 2 hours ago" said Hanji shamelessly "Anybody go more recently than that?"

"Um...one hour ago" said Mikasa hiding her face in her scarf in embarrassment.

Eren was desperate to be the Card Czar "fifteen minutes ago" he declared proudly which resulted in a disapproving "tch" from Levi. After going round the circle Eren was still in the lead but a certain someone was unwilling to share this classified information.

"Come on Levi, we need to know so we know who starts the game"

 _"_ _Stupid game with stupid rules"_ he thought as everyone stared.

Heaving a sigh, he seized the box "Just give me the god damn black cards, 10 minutes ago alright...are you happy? looks like I'm the Card Czar!"

"Damn!" said Eren punching the table while the others pressed their hands to their mouths in attempt to stifle their laughter at Levi's confession to having taken a recent shit.

"Don't worry Eren, you're next" said Hanji "it moves clockwise round the circle"

Levi selected a card and held it up to the dim light. His narrow grey eyes enlarged when he saw what was written.

"Well Levi...what does it say?" said Hanji with a wicked grin

Levi anxiously glared at his hand, five pairs of expectant eyes gleamed as they waited on him to read out what was written on the black card. What a horrible idea this was, a tasteless game for vulgar people. Finally he found the composure to read out the degrading question.

 **"How did I lose my virginity?"** he said without flinching.

Five mouths dropped open!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING OFFENSIVE ANSWERS AND JOKES!

Tch! What? Stop staring, you brats!"

Nobody needed to be told twice. Five sets of eyes snapped back to the cards in their hands. Levi glowered round the table impatiently. Everyone had the same question on their mind but only one bold individual was brave enough to ask.

"So Levi….how _did_ you lose your V card?" said Hanji flashing her teeth.

"That's none of your business four eyes!"

"What age were you?"

"Just play the fucking game!"

Eren had to hide his face behind his cards. He didn't want Levi to see that he was grinning stupidly. He had a good hand of cards, so many hilarious possibilities, which one was the funnier answer? It was so hard to choose. He was tempted to play the card that said "Tasteful sideboob" simply for the amusing aesthetic of hearing those words come out of Captain Levi's mouth. He giggled at the thought of hearing his humourless tone saying it.

"You have a really annoying laugh you know that brat!"

Eren looked at his other options. "Raping and pillaging" was sure to make Levi feel uncomfortable but "flying sex snakes" had a funny charm about it too. "Rohypnol" was sure to generate a lot of laughs. There was one card though that stood out, it was classless, it was vulgar and Eren couldn't wait to hear Levi read it out. It would serve him right for all the times he'd made him muck out the stables. The truth was although everyone in the room respected Levi as a soldier they all held some kind of grudge against him. At some point they'd been scorned, yelled at or had the _living shit_ kicked out of them at court by Levi. They were all going to savour this and make him read out the most undignified answers.

"Was it good?" Hanji wasn't going to let the question regarding Levi's virtue go.

" _I'm warning you shitty glasses!"_

"Hmm I understand. _Clearly_ that's a touchy subject for you" she hummed "* _cough, cough virgin_!"

The room burst out laughing.

"What did you call me!?"

"Oh nothing, I just had something stuck in my throat" she said slyly sliding her white card in his direction. Armin didn't look half as engrossed in his cards as the others. He held them far away from his face which was frozen in a state of shock.

"My innocence!" he lamented, a tear rolled down his cheek. Some of the things written on the cards were beyond offensive. Some of them he had no idea what they were. "Pixelated Bukkake", "Tentacle Porn", _what the hell even were these things?_ He was too embarrassed to ask in case his peers laughed at his naivety. Some things were better left unknown anyway. Mikasa was the only one left to play her card. She was silently, deviously planning her move.

"Sometime today Cadet Ackerman"

She fired a death glare in Levi's direction before loathingly passing over her response.

"Let's get this over with" sighed Levi grabbing one of the response cards.

"No Levi, don't just read out the responses, you have to repeat the question, it's funnier that way" said Hanji.

Levi frowned "Ok fine, how did I lose my virginity?" he examined the white card in his hand, his cheeks turned slightly pink " _Ugh_ you people are disgusting…Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog!"

When Eren burst out laughing it started a chain reaction of convulsing. The group at the table sounded like a gaggle of cackling geese. Although Levi's face was flushed but his expression remained unmoved. Every time he tried to read the next one he was interrupted by a hysterical shriek.

"I'll wait" he said placing all his cards down on the table and folding his arms. Hanji let out a disgraceful snort of laughter which set the others off again.

"Tch! Shut up and let me read this!"

Eren was blue in the face and at risk of laughter induced asphyxiation. Levi gave up and raised his voice.

"How did I lose my virginity?...Not wearing pants…. _wow_ state the fucking obvious! Which genius does this card belong to?"

Armin whimpered. The card was his. The idiotic simplicity of this answer combined Levi's seriousness generated even more laughter than before.

"Stop it Heichou, stop making me laugh..I'm going to piss my pants!" Eren clutched his bladder.

"Do you want me to read out the rest or not?"

The laughter flatlined.

"I hope you're joking brat as I'm certainly not cleaning up the mess if you do…. how did I lose my virginity?...Your mom"

Without meaning to he made it sound like this was directed at Eren.

"Ha! bet half the adult population lost their virginity to Jaeger's mom" jeered Jean. Eren leapt up, fists clenched but Mikasa was quick to restrain him.

"Eren ignore it!"

Jean looked smugger than ever.

"If you're quite finished, I still have two cards to read" said Levi irritably "How did I lose my virginity?...Half assed foreplay"

"I should have guessed" ribbed Hanji " _Ouch!"_ Levi kicked her so hard under the table that she cried out. He picked up the final white card. After glancing at what was printed on it his head whipped side-ways. Hanji recoiled at the severity of his glare.

"You disgust me!"

"Wait! How do you know that's my card?" she protested.

Levi took a deep breath "There's a line and you've just crossed it" he knew the card could only belong to Hanji. Only someone as sick and twisted as her would pull a stunt like this. He held up the card so the room could see that it read "Children on leashes"

There was a collective gasp followed by uncertain laughter.

" _Man_ this game just gets better and better!" chortled Jean, beating his fist on the table.

"You know you're going to hell for that response...right Squad Leader Hanji?" said Armin. He was only half joking.

It was time for Levi to pick the winning card.

" _Tch_ well none of those answers were _remotely_ funny but if you're forcing me to pick then the first one wins"

"Which was?"

"God damn it shitty glasses are you _seriously_ going to make me read it again? The one that said something about firing a rifle while.. _tch stop laughing_ …you know the one I'm talking about!"

"I win again" cheered Eren. Mikasa's eyes darkened. Next round victory would be hers'.

* * *

Eren was up next, he couldn't contain his excitement at having his turn to be the Card Czar.

**"What are my parents hiding from me?"**

There were so many varying expressions as he looked round the table. The gleam in Hanji's eyes frightened him a little. Once everyone had passed over their responses he shuffled them and prepared to read them aloud.

"Ok so what are my parents hiding from me?" he selected the first white card "Puppies...Armin _seriously_!"

The blonde hung his head.

"You know you're never going to win if you keep picking all the lame answers" Eren threw the card aside, unimpressed with his friends softness. He read out the next one hoping for a more side splitting answer.

"What are my parents hiding from me...a collection of high tech sex toys"

"So _that's_ what's locked away in your Dad's basement Eren?" said Levi raising an eyebrow.

"No...that's not-"

"And there was me thinking that whatever was down there would give humanity some answers at last…how disappointing"

Eren turned bright red. He was unknowingly playing right into Levi's hands. He didn't like it that he was now the one being ridiculed.

"No! The secret behind the titans is down there I swear!"

"Oh really" grilled Levi "What makes you so certain?"

The brunette leapt to his feet and pulled the key from around his neck "We can go there right now I'll prove it!"

"Sit down brat! I'm not going out in that rain...I'll get my hair wet" scoffed Levi "Learn to take a joke!"

"Look who's enjoying this game after all" Hanji nudged Levi but he ignored her.

The remaining answers were "Dead Babies", "Pictures of boobs" and "A windmill full of corpses"

"Ok…as disturbing as it is, dead babies wins it, I laughed at that _way_ more than I should have" said Eren.

"You're sick in the head, you know that?" said Levi frowning at Hanji who of course was the person that card belonged to.

* * *

Next up was Mikasa who was livid that she hadn't won a single round yet.

**"A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without…. _blank!"_**

Once she had all the responses in her hand she proceeded to read them out. She did well while reading out the first four answers which were respectively "Farting and walking away", "A sad handjob", "Getting so angry that you pop a boner" and "Inappropriate yodelling". She maintained composure even while the others erupted into laughter around her. Then she got to the fifth card in the pile.

"A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without incest"

She was confused why Jean was laughing so hard at this particular answer. It didn't stand out as being any funnier than the others. She looked round the table. Hanji's lips were visibly trembling. Levi wasn't laughing but he had a knowing look in his eyes. Was this some kind of inside joke? Jean's guffawing was really starting to irk her.

"Alright what's so funny!" she demanded.

Jean sniggered. Armin cupped his hand over his mouth.

"Share the joke!" she insisted growing more flustered by the second.

"Well it's just because..." Jean tittered. He found it difficult to speak with her glaring at him so fiercely "...well it's just so accurate isn't it?"

"Jean...I wouldn't" Armin was concerned about Mikasa's growing scowl but Jean was too proud to back down now.

"You've always had a bit of a weird obsession with Eren haven't you?" he simpered. The arrogant teen demonstrated his point by turning his back and wrapping his arms around himself. Even Levi struggled not to laugh as Jean proceeded to make the crudest kissing sounds.

"Oh Eren!" he moaned mockingly.

The adoptive siblings blushed furiously.

"It's not like that ok!" snapped Eren

"Even if it was…" argued Mikasa "it's not like we're blood related!"

"Ha! Yeah but it's still weird...and gross"

"Jean...seriously stop" warned Armin but Jean was enjoying the sound of his own voice far too much.

"Oh you'd love to go on a romantic candlelit dinner with Eren wouldn't you? You really should learn to control your ovaries Mika-"

* _PUNCH!_

* * *

**2 minutes later.**

"I did warn you" sighed Armin passing Jean a tissue to dab at his nosebleed. That was the last time he accused Mikasa of incest.

"Ok horseface your turn!" said Eren bitterly.

"Everyone seems a little tense" said Hanji. She was disheartened by the awkward atmosphere that had taken over the room "This game is supposed to be fun"

Suddenly she had another wicked idea, a little something to lighten the heavy mood. The others were confused when she leapt from her seat and began rummaging through the kitchen cupboards.

"How about we spice this game up a bit" she pulled out a bottle of whisky "New rule, after every round all the losers take a shot"

"Oh no!" said Levi "put it back" but Hanji was already placing a shot glass in front of every player.

"Well I won't be taking any shots because I don't plan on losing" said Mikasa forbiddingly.

"You're wasting your time" said Levi "Unlike these lightweight brats I can actually handle my drink"

"Oh really Levi" said Hanji with a devious grin "What about at Mike's birthday party two years ago?"

"Right let's get on with the game" Levi hastily changed the subject.

"Wait Heichou was drunk?" said Eren with bemusement "What did he do?"

"Hmm what _didn't_ he do?"

"Enough shitty glasses nobody cares about this story"

"Yes we do" piped Eren " _ouch hey!"_ Levi slapped him on the back of the head.

"So are we taking shots or what?" grumbled Jean inspecting the tissue to see if the bleeding had stopped.

Levi and Hanji said "No" and "Yes" respectively.

"Ok how about this instead" suggested Hanji, determined to add some zest to the rules "How about we turn this into strip cards against humanity, everyone who loses has to remove an item of clothing and-"

"Ok shots it is" said Levi grabbing the bottle and unscrewing the lid.

 _Ah reverse psychology….works every time_ thought Hanji.

Jean selected a black card from the pile.

"Oh this should be entertaining" he cleared his throat and read it out.

**"In these desperate times the Survey Corps are now partaking in _blank_ to raise money for future expeditions "**

"Hmm it's about time we held another Survey Corps fundraiser eh Levi?" said Hanji pouring a shot of whisky into everyone's glass.

" _Tch_ count me out, I'm not making myself look a damn fool for money"

"Remember, choose wisely or else you'll very quickly end up wasted" said Hanji addressing everyone. She leaned in towards Levi "I'm going to drink you under the table shortie!"

" _Tch!"_

Armin looked at the golden liquid fearfully. He'd never been drunk before, what if he made a fool of himself? What if his weak stomach couldn't take it? There was _no way_ he was going to win, not when his sense of humour was so tame. There was silence at the table, no sounds except the flickering of cards could be heard. Everyone was being extra careful, the pressure to have the winning response was stronger than ever now. Eren was the one to finally break the contemplative hush.

"So Hanji" he asked defiantly, his eyes skirting towards Levi "Tell us about the time Levi Heichou got drunk?"

Levi shot a warning look in his direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so that last black card is obviously a made up one but I WISH IT WAS A REAL ONE! Stay tuned to find out the responses..  
> There will DEFINITELY be at least another chapter of this perhaps two depending on how many jokes I can think of :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in the long delay in posting. Hope you guys enjoy :)

Don't you dare!" said Levi firmly as Hanji opened her mouth to speak. A lesser woman would have backed down under Levi's steely gaze but not Hanji Zoe. Audaciously she opened her mouth again.

" _Don't_!" warned Levi "I'll make you regret it, there's plenty of embarrassing stories I could tell about you!"

"Ha problem is I don't care" she shrugged "Tell them anything you want!" she casually slid her response across the table towards Jean.

"Did he kiss anyone?" asked Eren cheekily.

Levi slammed his fist on the table so hard the shots of whisky almost spilled.

"This conversation is closed!"

That was the end of that. It would forever remain a mystery what he'd done two years ago at Mike's birthday party. All the cadet's shoulders dropped in disappointment. They'd really wanted to hear that story. Jean took the initiative by redirecting the group's attention back to the game by reading out the first response.

"In these desperate times the Survey Corps are now partaking in _getting naked and fighting titans_ to raise money for future expeditions"

"Getting naked and fighting titans huh? You can't get much more bad-ass than that" remarked Levi.

"Ok next up" said Jean "In these desperate times the Survey Corps are now partaking in _sexy pillow fights_ to raise money for future expeditions"

This generated a fair amount of laughter.

"That's not a bad idea for a fundraiser" said Hanji nudging Levi playfully.

"Absolutely not!" the short man rebuked.

"Aww come on think of all the money we could make! You have plenty of fangirls out there, I'm sure they'd _love_ to see you jumping up and down on a bed in your underpants!"

" _Tch_ , _n_ o! Unlike you I have at least _some_ dignity left"

Hanji sighed and shook her head " _Oh Levi_ ….do I really need to bring up Mike's birthday party _again_?"

"Oh my gosh! Did he strip?" Eren asked still desperately trying to guess what he'd done.

"Sexy pillow fights _is_ not a bad idea" said Jean as he leaned in towards Mikasa "I'd certainly pay good money to see _that_ " he wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.

"That's a nice black eye Jean" she replied nonchalantly "I could give you another one to match if you like"

The long faced teen quickly pulled away, withdrawing his amorous gaze. Now was a good time to read out the next one and pretend nothing had happened.

"In these desperate times the Survey Corps are now partaking in _dwarf tossing_ to raise money-"

"Oh we could actually do that!" Hanji leapt from her seat squealing excitedly "We could have a competition to see who can toss Levi the furthest, wouldn't that be fu-….. _Ow, Ouch_! Ok sorry Levi, let go of my hair, it was just a joke! _Ouch_! Violence is not the answer! AHHH! OW OW OW OW OW! ! I'm sorry…jeez ow, let go! Wall fucking Sina! I said I was sorry…ok I take it back, you're not a dwarf, OW!"

Reluctantly Levi released the fistful of Hanji's hair from his grasp. She cursed as she rubbed her reddened scalp.

"You idiot, I think you pulled my hair out...do I have a bald patch?"

Jean visibly disturbed by what he'd just witnessed (and making a mental note _never_ to joke about Levi's height) proceeded to read out the next one.

"The Survey Corps are now partaking in _pixelated bukkake_ to raise money for future expeditions…oh man that's nasty"

There was a chorus of uncomfortable groans and guilty giggles before everyone fired an accusing look at the usual suspect.

"Someone _always_ has to take things too far" said Levi folding his arms and shaking his head.

"What? Why are you all looking at me like that?" Hanji giggled nervously.

"Gross" commended Jean "But well played"

"That's not my card I swear!"

"Don't lie, it's got your dirty twisted sense of humour written all over it!" sneered Levi.

"I swear on Wall Maria it wasn't me!"

"Well who was it then?"

Everyone round the table shook their heads except one. A certain member of the group who'd been extremely quiet so far was very pink in the face and slipping himself lower and lower beneath the table.

" _ARMIN_!" everyone cried out in disbelief. The blonde grimaced immediately wishing he'd just played the card that said " _breaking out into song and dance_ ".

"Finally" said Jean "You've grown a pair and actually played a dirty card"

"I…I didn't know it was dirty!" Armin stammered, he wanted the ground to swallow him up "is it really rude, like something to do with… _sex_ or something?" even saying the word "sex" made him cringe.

Hanji patted him on the back "Well Armin…it's when a mommy and a daddy….well actually multiple daddies-"

"Stop that's enough!" Levi interrupted urgently "Don't be so filthy, this is a T rated fic remember, not an M !"

 _"Shh Levi_ you're not supposed to break the fourth wall!" she shushed.

Eren didn't get it "But there are only three walls" he said confusedly "There's Wall Maria, Rose and Sina….since when did we build a fourth wall?"

Levi pressed his palm to his face at Eren's idiocy "You really are a stupid brat!"

Armin was still looking at Hanji expectantly "So um…what _does_ it mean..that card?"

Hanji leaned in and whispered in his ear. His friends watched his face go from flushed pink to beetroot red. He slapped his hand over his mouth like he was going to be sick.

"Wall freaking Maria!" he gasped "thank _god_ it was pixelated then!" he took a deep breath. Never again would he play a card unless he was absolutely certain of its meaning. Jean read out the final card.

"Ok and finally…the Survey Corps are now partaking in...jerking off into a pool of children's tears…"

Everyone glared at Hanji again.

" _This_ one is yours isn't it?" said Jean reprovingly.

Hanji grinned.

Levi shook his head contemptuously "Like I said…someone _always_ has to take things too far"

* * *

Rules were rules. The four losers had to take a shot as a penalty. Hanji reclined, put her hands behind her head and enjoyed the show. Her disturbingly hilarious response had earned her another victory. She and Jean, the Card Czar were the only ones exempt from the penalty.

"Ok losers after three" she sang "three….two…"

"Wait!" Armin interrupted "This is really irresponsible, should Eren, Mikasa and I be doing this? Aren't we underage?"

"Nonsense they let you kids join the military so I'd say that means you're allowed a drink!" said Hanji dismissing his concerns "Ok for real this time…three, two, one, _go_!"

Hanji found it interesting watching the different ways the group handled the shots. Both Levi and Mikasa downed it like true bosses, throwing their heads back in sync and slamming their glasses back on the table in less than 2 seconds flat, Eren attempted to do the same but instead he choked and sprayed the drink out his nose all over a horrified Levi. Armin on the other hand sat sipping at it slowly like it was hot coffee.

"Arlert stop being such a pussy and take the goddamn shot!" spat Levi. Out of fear Armin obeyed, tipping the entire glass down his throat and instantly turning green.

" _Bleuugh_! Tastes like cleaning fluid!"

"And how would you know what _that_ tastes like?" said Mikasa scornfully.

The shot seemed to be taking an immediate effect on Armin. Already he was swaying in his seat. Through blurred vision he observed Eren with whisky dripping from his nose. It felt like an ominous foreshadowing that this wasn't going to end well.

* * *

**"What never fails to liven up the party?"**

Armin was now the Card Czar. He was relieved as it meant he was exempt from having to take another shot of that dreaded whisky. He'd genuinely rather drink one of Levi's cleaning products. He collected the responses.

"What never fails to liven up the party?...two midgets shitting in a bucket!" the blonde squeaked but before anyone could giggle-

"Don't any of you think about it!" yelled Levi glaring round the table reproachfully "don't use this as an excuse to make yet more short people jokes, I'm sick of it!"

"You poor _little_ thing!" mocked Hanji leaning on the top of his head. Angrily he pushed her away.

"Laugh at my height all you want, I more than make up for my size in _other_ departments!" he said conceitedly.

Everyone's jaw dropped. Levi sighed.

"I was talking about my big personality you perverts!"

" _Pft..._ what personality?" hooted Hanji as the cadets creased with laughter

* * *

**_A few rounds (and shots) later... _ **

"And then he hugged Erwin, started crying, told him he loved him and said he'd follow his orders forever ahahahah!"

"You promised shitty glasses!" said Levi angrily but there was genuine tears in his eyes. He felt betrayed "You promised never to tell anyone!"

Hanji was once again attempting to tell the story of Levi's drunken antics at Mike's birthday party. The cadets roared with laughter as she disclosed all the things the stern Captain had done that night that he'd rather his subordinates didn't know about.

"That's not even the best part!" declared Hanji "No, the best part was when I walked into the broom closet and caught him-"

In a flash Levi's body was horizontal across the table, his hand pressed firmly over Hanji's mouth. None of the cadets had ever seen him move so fast in their lives. Nothing but muffled sounds escaped from Hanji's lips.

"That's plenty!" he threatened.

* * *

_**Many violent outbursts later ** _

"Armin are you feeling ok?" asked Mikasa growing concerned about her friend's greenish hue. The poor boy had taken more than his fair share of penalty shots.

"I love you guys so much" he expressed "I love you guys more than Eren hates the titans!" that was his final remark before he face planted on the table.

"I'm going to draw a dick on his head!" snickered Eren grabbing a pen but Mikasa immediately slapped it out of his hand.

"Don't be so childish Eren!" she snapped.

"What are the scores?" asked Jean "I've lost count"

"Eren has 3 points, you, Levi and Mikasa have one point each and I have 5 points. Poor Armin still has 0" said Hanji selecting a black card. It was her turn to be the Card Czar.

**"What is Levi's secret fetish?**

"What! Surely that's not a real card, give it here shitty glasses, let me read it!"

Eren was doubled over and had tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. He started to pass a response to Hanji.

"Give me that!" Levi snatched it off him, it read "50,000 volts straight to the nipples"

Eren rubbed the back of his neck as his superior stared him down.

"Aww it was worth a try" lamented Hanji "I'm only pulling your leg Levi, it really says..."

**"Why am I sticky?"**

There were endless possibilities of hilarity. Everyone handed over their responses except Armin who was a little too comatose.

"Armin wake up! we need your response" Jean shook him violently.

"Huh?" wearily Armin lifted his head. One of his cards was stuck to his face. Hanji peeled it off.

" _This_ is your response?"

When his face immediately flopped down and hit the table again, she sighed and decided to take that as a yes. She shuffled the cards and read out the responses.

"Why am I sticky?...when you fart and a little bit comes out"

A loud snigger caught her attention.

"Really Levi? Of all things you laughed at a _poop_ joke!"

" _Tch_ I didn't laugh!"

"Yes you did" said Mikasa snidely.

"As if I'd ever laugh at something so immature" the short man huffed.

Ironically Armin ended up winning that round with his unconscious answer of "Wet dreams" but he was far too busy being passed out to appreciate his long awaited victory.

* * *

**_Countless poop jokes later..._ **

Eren was the Card Czar. His vision was starting to fail him.

**"Daddy why is Mommy crying?"**

His speech slurred. As he picked up the first response a whimper escaped him. His face turned white.

"Daddy why is Mommy crying?" he repeated but it was no use "...I...I have no words...I thought you guys were my friends" in tearful shock he dropped the card letting it flutter towards the ground. Mikasa caught it and nearly fell of her chair when she saw what was written on it.

_The Smiling Titan_

"What sicko played this card!" she demanded holding it up for all to see.

 _Don't laugh, don't laugh_! Hanji recited internally as Mikasa's daunting eyes skimmed over her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) this story will have two more chapters :)


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